Learn to let go
by ShiroMoon
Summary: Sometimes in life you have to learn to let go of the past in order to get what you want. Sometimes it is worth it, sometimes it isn't. Love is a leap of faith. GrimmUlqui. Written for Grimmjow's birthday.


It was dawn in New York City, golden beams of sunlight shone in through the windows and into the living room where two figures lay, one on the couch and one off the couch.

Blue eyes opened and a soft groan was heard. He ran a hand through his hair, brushing strands of it away from his face. And then he placed his face back against the pillow and took sight of the man on the floor. He closed his eyes, passing it off. And then he did a double take.

Angered, he stood and walked to the kitchen, seized a pitcher of water and tossed it onto the sleeping man. The man awoke with a yell of, "Holy fuck! What the fuck was that for?" and he seized the blanket and pulled it away from the man, revealing his nude form.

"Get out. I told you to get out last night. Now piss off."

"Well excuse me for making myself comfortable!" the man huffed, starting to retrieve his clothes from the floor. Meanwhile his host was not happy. The guy had slept over all night after he had been ordered to leave.

"Hurry it up!" he snapped and the man scowled and grumbled something or other as he finished dressing himself. And then he looked at his host and his anger seemed to vanish and he said softly, "Now…uh…can you tell me your name?"

"It was a one night stand, not the beginning of some stupid romance. I don't do that girly shit. Get the fuck out."

The man tried to hide how hurt he was when he said, "Wait…so that's…that's it…? I just leave?"

And he smirked. "Not unless you wanna suck me off. If not, then get the fuck out of my apartment." And the man simply stood there, eyes wide. "How…how many others have you done this too?"

"Many. None of them were as girly as you though."

The man barely hid his sob as he stomped to the doors and left the apartment. And Grimmjow Jaegerjaques turned towards the windows and smirked. _What the hell did he expect? A great, big-ass love affair out of all that? His looks were the only thing he had going for him._

It was just for kicks and it was how he lived his life. When he wasn't fighting or just when he was bored, he picked up a guy that he found attractive, maybe took him out for dinner, screwed him and then kicked him out. And every single time, the guy was interested in him. It got dull.

And Grimmjow himself never felt any romantic attraction towards them. Just physical attraction. It kept things simple that way. It kept things safe that way. And that way, no one got hurt except for the men he picked up.

And then his phone rang and he scowled and proceeded over to his discarded jeans and answered it. "What do you want?"

"It's Shawlong. I got tickets."

Grimmjow scowled. "Tickets for what?"

* * *

><p>Grimmjow's brow twitched. Fuck theatre, fuck his life, fuck Broadway shows and fuck being born.<p>

It was his 30th birthday and he was not happy. Why? Because every second of today had sucked, he had hardly slept the night before, today was the same as yesterday (boring as fuck), and he was beginning to feel old. Hell, thirty years old meant that he was going to be in his forties and then his fifties and damn…everything felt so…

Odd.

Was he even old or was he somewhere in between?

Grimmjow scowled and ran a hand through his blue hair. Or would that blue someday soon be replaced by silver? Would he lose some? He didn't want to be a weak old man.

So far he was still in great shape, he still felt full of energy…or he _had _until three days ago.

Grimmjow took a swig of whiskey and thought, _have I done everything in my life that I have wanted to do? Have I _lived _my life? _

Though some people didn't know, Grimmjow did indeed have these kinds of thoughts. He did think about serious things like this, when he wasn't beating the tar out of someone or fencing at the Fencer's Club. And even then he was always trying to improve, always trying to work harder, to get stronger.

An umbrella tapped him on the head and he looked up and saw one of his group of strange friends standing there. It was Elforte. D-roy and his stupid friends had arranged for Grimmjow to do something for his birthday and what did they plan? They were taking him to see Hamlet on Broadway. A play—where you sit and didn't move for several hours while watching a bunch of people run around on stage mocking your inability to move and talk.

Yes, Grimmjow hated plays. Especially Shakespearian plays because they confused the hell out of him! "Our bus is here, Grimmjow." said Shawlong and Grimmjow scowled and sat up and proceeded towards the bus. D-roy hurried after them with Shawlong behind him. They boarded their bus which drove them down to Broadway. A heavy rain started and Grimmjow glared outside.

He had known these guys since high school and he didn't even consider them friends. The only reason they still hung out was because they were the only people Grimmjow hadn't wanted to beat the crap out of during high school. Though he guessed they were his friends since the only people he considered friends were the ones he didn't want to kill. But he didn't even know them personally, he had never bothered to learn anything about them and he didn't feel the need to.

"So, how's our little Grimmy doing?" D-roy teased and Grimmjow curled his lip at him. "Shut up." and Shawlong said, "I know you won't appreciate going to a play, Grimmjow. But this is a classic and—"

"How selfish, not even considering what your friend might want. You chose a play because _you_ wanted to go, not because _he_ wanted to go." Elforte said, swiping his hair back from his face.

When they got to the theatre, Elforte handed the women their tickets and they entered the theatre. Shawlong had gotten them tickets in the nosebleed section off towards the left. He had also given them opera glasses so that they could see properly.

Grimmjow sighed. _Well, at least I'm doing something and not feeling like a waste of oxygen. _Maybe he would be able to take his mind of his worries and depression when the stupid play started. Or maybe he would just fall asleep?

He opened his playbill and inspected the cast out of boredom. He scrolled through the list of names until he came upon Hamlet. Hamlet was played by a guy with…an unusual name. He was played by a man named Ulquiorra Cifer.

And then the play started.

The play opened up on a castle where two characters waited, looking for something. Grimmjow heard one of the characters, played by a guy with orange hair call out, "I think I hear them. Stand, ho! Who's there?"

Two men walked onto stage and D-roy whispered cackling quietly, peering through his opera glasses, "Oh, _hello _sexy." And Shawlong sighed softly. Grimmjow leaned back in his chair lazily, glaring at the opposite wall. Damn this was boring already!

The scene passed and more characters entered and the King started giving a long speech. What was it with Shakespeare and these long, unnecessary pieces of dialogue? Seriously! And where the hell was Hamlet anyway? Grimmjow scowled. Maybe he would appear an _hour _into the play after these _freaking long pieces of dialogue_ finished?

The man playing the king was a man called Vincent DiCaprio and he was still talking about…something. Grimmjow had read Shakespeare in high school as schoolwork, but he hadn't understood it then and he didn't understand it now.

The King said, "Take thy fair hour, Laertes; time be thine,  
>And thy best graces spend it at thy will!<br>But now, my cousin Hamlet, and my son,-"

And then someone else said, "A little more than kin, and less than kind." And D-roy whispered, "Is that Hamlet? Holy frick, he's hot!" and Shawlong nodded. Grimmjow looked towards the stage and saw pale skin on the man playing Hamlet. He frowned.

Out of curiosity, he lifted the opera glasses to take a look at the actor playing Hamlet. Grimmjow adjusted them until they were in focus and then looked about for the actor, finding him instantly. Hot damn! Grimmjow dropped them and they fell onto some poor person sitting a few feet below him. Grimmjow snatched Elforte's opera glasses from him and immediately found that actor.

He was pale, but _damn_, did it look good on him! Raven hair framed his face; two locks of hair fell gently across his face which could only be described as gorgeous. One glance at him was enough to tell he was slender, petite and yet he possessed an air of power about him. And his eyes…good God, his eyes were beautiful. They were the most beautiful shade of green he had ever seen before in his life. They were the color of pure emeralds. And he wasn't only gorgeous, he could _act_! He was so engaged in his character it was amazing, it was like he could actually feel the pain of the character and in return, it made Grimmjow feel the pain of the character too. Even when he said his first line, every head in the audience turned to look at him. He had a charismatic air about him.

And Grimmjow wanted to fucking bone him.

D-roy stared at Grimmjow who was gaping at the stage and he said, "Uh, dude, you alright?" and Grimmjow said, "No…my heart is racing 100 miles a second... I can't breathe…" Grimmjow said, his face slumping onto the railing, watching the play below him. D-roy nodded, uncertain of what to say.

And from that moment on, Grimmjow watched every second of the play with an open heart and by the end of it, he had enjoyed himself. And it wasn't even the play, it was that one actor. He had even gotten the most applause at the end, he was that good. And before the curtain had even closed after the company bow, Grimmjow was on his feet and heading outside.

* * *

><p>He waited outside the stage door in the rain as the cast slowly left, talking to each other, his heart doing a drum roll in his chest as his excitement mounted.<p>

And then the door opened and Grimmjow looked up and felt his heart jump in his chest. He stepped out and Grimmjow was momentarily stunned when he noticed that the man really was even sexier close up. Were guys supposed to be that pretty?

That emerald gaze flicked in his direction and Grimmjow held that gaze, a wide smile spreading across his face. "Yo." And he saw Cifer's body stiffen at being addressed. He turned in Grimmjow's direction, stared at him, closed his eyes and walked away. "I don't like Shakespeare. I never did. But I couldn't keep my eyes off you for the entire show." The man didn't even stop walking.

Grimmjow, who was never one to give up once he set his eyes on something he liked, scurried up to him and he said, "What not even a thank you?"

"Go away."

"Aw, that's cold." Grimmjow said, not fazed at all.

"I'm surprised someone so foolish could tell." Cifer responded, hailing a cab. It seemed hardly any cabs were available. "Leave." He said. Grimmjow rested an elbow against the pole beside him. "Did I ever mention you're fucking sexy?" and as he spoke, Grimmjow's hand settled on his ass and Cifer froze under his touch.

_Wham!_

Grimmjow's feet were knocked out from underneath him and he landed in the street just as his gang appeared. Cifer hailed a cab and sent a glare at Grimmjow. "Trash." And the car drove off into the distance.

Grimmjow sat up, enraged and yelled, "You bitch!" and D-roy started to laugh. Grimmjow sent a fierce glare at him and D-roy went silent. "Get me tickets for tomorrow night. He's gonna pay for that."

Elforte said, "Actually, you kind of asked for it and—never mind." He said quickly as Grimmjow silenced him with a glare.

* * *

><p>As pissed as Grimmjow was at Cifer, he had to admit, he really did want to see him again, not only to prove that no one ruffed him up and got away with it, but because he really had actually been honest when he said that he found Cifer attractive.<p>

Shawlong had gotten Grimmjow a ticket to the show again and the seats were better this time, almost close to the stage. Grimmjow opened his playbill and frowned when he realized that Cifer played two people, Hamlet and Horatio, on different nights. Tonight he would be in a different role.

When Grimmjow had seen him play Hamlet, there had been raw emotion in his acting. But in real life, Cifer was about as cold and hard as a statue. He didn't even look at Grimmjow properly last night! Not even when he called him "trash". Grimmjow felt anger boil in his stomach.

But, for some reason, Cifer fascinated him, just a little bit.

The show started again and Grimmjow was once again astounded to find out that Cifer could play a completely different character and make it so good. Even as Horatio, he was amazing. He still had that charismatic air about him and Grimmjow momentarily forgot his anger and simply enjoyed his performance.

And when the show was over, Grimmjow hurried back outside to wait for Cifer.

Cifer walked outside, wearing a gray trench coat, hands tucked into his pockets. He stared at Grimmjow and said, "You again." Grimmjow smirked. "Me again. And I've got a score to settle with you."

"If you had a score to settle with me, you didn't have to watch the entire show again. You said you don't like Shakespeare so why not just come after the show?"

Grimmjow was silent momentarily. "You knew I was there?"

"Your hair color is so ridiculous I would be able to see it two miles away." Grimmjow's jaw clenched. "Fuck you, it's my natural color."

"As if." Cifer said, scornfully. Grimmjow's jaw clenched. "No hair color that horrendous should even exist." Grimmjow's face twitched and his fist clenched. "How stupid."

"Okay, that's _it_!" Grimmjow yelled and he charged. Cifer easily smacked his fist aside with ease. Grimmjow swung a kick at Cifer's leg, almost knocking him off balance. Cifer attempted to dodge and Grimmjow hurled himself at him, plowing into him and sending them both flying backwards, or in Grimmjow's case forward.

Grimmjow grinned widely and shoved Cifer backwards and just as he stumbled, he sent a punch to his face. Cifer instantly blocked him, seized his fist and pulled Grimmjow towards him. Grimmjow was slammed into the wall and the instant his body hit the wall; he retaliated by plowing into Cifer.

Cifer fell against a car, setting it off, and he kicked Grimmjow in the chest. Grimmjow lunged forward and punched him once in the stomach. Cifer ran to his left and kicked him in the ribs. Grimmjow blocked, pushing his foot away from him and sending a fist flying towards his stomach.

Everyone in the street was running away in terror and as Grimmjow ran towards Cifer, Cifer stepped backwards on an abandoned skateboard and flew away up the street. "Oi, come back here!" Grimmjow yelled, tearing after him.

Grimmjow seized a pipe from a homeless man's cart and ran off after Cifer. Grimmjow rounded a corner and Cifer leapt out at him and slammed an elbow into Grimmjow's face, throwing him to the ground.

Grimmjow swung his pipe at Cifer's foot and he dodged, sending a kick towards his head. Grimmjow dodged the kick, tumbled over and sat up only to be punched in the jaw. That hurt. A lot.

Grimmjow flung himself to his feet and swung a hard kick into Cifer's stomach. Cifer was thrown backwards into a fruit cart. Next to the fruit cart was a loose pipe sticking out of the wall. He snatched it from the wall and Grimmjow lifted his pipe and both men stared at each other.

Grimmjow shifted his feet so that his left foot was facing in the left direction, his right foot in front of him. Cifer immediately recognized the stance and he said, "You fence?" and Grimmjow nodded, grinning. "You bet and I'm damn good at it."

Cifer took the same stance as himself and Grimmjow was surprised. The guy fenced? "Don't disappoint me, pretty-boy." Grimmjow thrust his armed hand forward and was immediately blocked. Grimmjow's eyes widened and he sent a jab at his stomach and was swiped to the side. "Not bad. Go for me."

Cifer's arm lunged forward and Grimmjow instantly smacked his weapon back. Cifer blinked. "Again, come on!" and the words had barely left Grimmjow's lips when Cifer attacked again. His arm lunged right for Grimmjow's left shoulder and Grimmjow parried and then immediately stabbed at his chest. Cifer blocked.

Grimmjow grinned. "How's your footwork?" and both men started to circle each other. Cifer advanced fast and Grimmjow made to block but was taken aback when Cifer slide his pipe down Grimmjow's. The pipe was inches from Grimmjow's chest.

Grimmjow dropped to the floor and made to hit Cifer on the ribs but Cifer parried and Grimmjow was back on his feet and was again blocked by Cifer. _Damn this guy is good! He's quick, he blocks every single attack I throw at him and it's only because I have good reflex that I don't get my ass kicked. This is fucking epic!_

Cifer blocked Grimmjow's next attack by moving his pipe in a circular motion and then had to instantly block another attack that missed his skin by inches. _This man is good, I must admit. He's quick on his feet; he is able to instantly find an opening to attack and he is highly experienced. How surprising._

Cifer retreated backwards and Grimmjow pulled an advance lunge on him and at the same time two feints that Cifer only blocked out of luck. As Cifer blocked the second one, he lunged forward to attack the man's chest and Grimmjow ducked and dodged the tap on the back Cifer couldn't help throwing in.

Grimmjow moved left and lunged and Cifer lunged at the same time and their weapons collided together with a loud clang. Grimmjow used Cifer's own attack on him and slid his pipe across Cifer's. Cifer actually did a spin to escape his attacked and parried in a quick circular motion and then immediately lunged. Grimmjow retreated backwards and moved forward so quickly, Cifer was almost unable to block.

They were inches apart now and then Grimmjow grinned. _Time to move in for the kill._

Cifer's eyes narrowed. _Time to end it._

And then Grimmjow felt cold metal against his chest and his eyes widened in shock. Cifer blinked and looked down as he felt cold weight against his chest. They had both landed finishing blows on each other at the same time. Cifer's back had also ended up against the wall.

They were both slightly breathless but equally surprised by each other's abilities. Grimmjow looked down at Cifer and Cifer looked up at him, they both held that stare for a moment, their bodies pressing close together.

Then Grimmjow said, "You wanna get something to eat?" and Cifer nodded. "Sure."

* * *

><p>The little coffee shop was quiet, not many people were here at this time of night, but Grimmjow and his "friend" sat at the same table, drinking coffee and eating small confections.<p>

"I have been fencing since I was twelve. You?" Grimmjow asked, watching Cifer eat his scone.

"I was 14 when I first started fencing." Cifer answered, taking a small bite of his chocolate frosted scone. "I didn't care for it at first."

Grimmjow grinned widely. "I fucking loved it. It was so much fucking fun to go in there and beat the crap out of people…watch them piss themselves…and cry. Damn that was awesome! There was this one little shit named Kurosaki and I trained so hard so I could beat his ass. He quit after that. Ha!"

Cifer sipped his coffee, watching him with bored eyes. "Did you ever get kicked out?" and Grimmjow said, nodding, "Hell yeah. I got relocated to different fencing schools five times."

Cifer grunted in surprise but Grimmjow could tell he wasn't really surprised at all.

Grimmjow finished his coffee and said, just to clear the silence, "How old are you?" and Cifer answered, "Twenty-four." And Grimmjow nodded. "I'm thirty." And Grimmjow felt himself frown. He sounded freaking old saying that!

"I take it you are not happy."

"Damn right. I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I didn't know that when I was nineteen and I sure as hell don't know it now."

"Hm."

"…Is that all your going to say?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Nothing to say." Cifer responded and Grimmjow said, "You don't talk much do you? Not like I mind."

Cifer silently ate his scone and Grimmjow frowned, his worries from the previous day returning to him. He felt his companion watching him and Grimmjow's blue eyes met Cifer's green eyes. "What?"

"Nothing." The pale man responded. Grimmjow said, "What made you wanna be an actor of all things?" and Cifer said, "Why should I tell you that?" and Grimmjow heard some coldness in Cifer's tone that took him by surprise. "Okay, never mind, fine. I don't care anyway."

An uneasy silence fell and Grimmjow grew tired of it and said, "Get up, it's gonna rain and I'm not getting drenched. Where do you live?"

Cifer said, "Why do you want to know?" and Grimmjow said, "Because I'm walking you home." And Cifer sighed. "As you wish."

Grimmjow could have made a move on him the instant he reached his house. But he didn't. And he told himself it was because he knew Cifer could fight back…and then he realized how much that sounded like a rapist.

And then someone poked him and he saw Cifer staring at him and Grimmjow felt his heart jump. "What?" he snapped. "Tell me your name." and Grimmjow did not hesitate when he responded, "Grimmjow Jaegerjaques. Tell me yours."

"Ulquiorra Cifer. It was a pleasure." And then Grimmjow seized the door before he could close it and said, "When's your next performance?"

"Tomorrow morning at 12:50." And Grimmjow grinned. "See ya then, Ulqui." And before Ulquiorra could protest, Grimmjow was walking away. And Grimmjow tried to deny it. But he couldn't. He definitely felt a strange pull towards Ulquiorra Cifer.

* * *

><p>As the weeks went by, Grimmjow could always be seen in the company of Ulquiorra Cifer. He would watch the performance and then meet Ulquiorra afterward and treat him to lunch or dinner.<p>

Ulquiorra was a very private person, he told Grimmjow nothing about his personnel life or his past and he often acted like he didn't enjoy Grimmjow's presence, but he often proved Grimmjow wrong by agreeing to hang out with him.

One time, he even went to visit Grimmjow during intermission, something which surprised Grimmjow very much but made him feel very happy. However Ulquiorra wasn't allowed to do this and was sent back inside by the director.

Though he liked Ulquiorra more than he did the first time he met him, his opinion of the man's appearance hadn't changed. He still believed Ulquiorra to be one of the most handsome men he had seen in his life. But it wasn't just his appearance he liked now. Ulquiorra was warmer to him now and he was more talkative around Grimmjow now that he was sure he could trust him.

And when they were together, both of them could feel 600 volts whenever they talked together, facing each other across a table, looking into each others eyes and exchanging information about their daily lives and things they liked, things they didn't like.

They both knew how different they were and as such, they didn't always get along. Sometimes they would fight over something stupid and get angry at each other and part ways for the day. And yet, always, _always_, Ulquiorra would look into the audience and see Grimmjow and they would hang out like they always did.

It had become a routine that they both enjoyed and they couldn't imagine going through their daily lives without seeing each other just once.

* * *

><p>Ulquiorra was taking his time.<p>

Grimmjow scowled, impatiently looking from the door to his shoes every once in a while. Ulquiorra usually only took a minute to get out of his costume and back into his regular clothes. He always dressed like he was going to a meeting. Grimmjow smirked. Not that he complained, Ulquiorra looked fine in a suit and he made sure Ulquiorra knew.

He wasn't sure if Ulquiorra took him seriously, hell, he wasn't sure he even took _himself _seriously when he flirted with him and teased him; all he knew was that he liked him. And that he sometimes thought Ulquiorra was adorable…wait…what?

Grimmjow scowled, forcing the thought away as he waited for Ulquiorra. Where was he? _Maybe I missed him? He dresses in a freaking second; maybe he had to go somewhere? I was also pretty damn slow getting out of the fucking theatre because of that stupid girl stalking me so…maybe he left? Why do I care so much? What, do I like him? No. No, I definitely don't like him. I just want to fuck him. there, I don't like him at all!_

One of the actors, the woman who played Ophelia, stepped out and Grimmjow said, "Where's Ulquiorra?" and the woman said, "Oh him? He passed out right after he got off stage. We had to call an ambulance to get him out."

Grimmjow jumped and he said, "What?" and the woman said, "Don't get angry at me, sir. We don't know what happened to him."

"Where'd they take him!" Grimmjow exclaimed, almost angry in his panic and the woman said, "They took him to Mercy Hospital. It's two blocks from here."

And the instant the words "two blocks" were out of her mouth, Grimmjow was tearing away up the street.

_Yeah. I definitely don't like him._

* * *

><p>Ulquiorra could hear distant voices. He was so comfortable he didn't want to open his eyes; they felt too heavy to lift anyway. He opened one eye anyway and saw white walls. <em>Insane asylum? Wait. What?<em>

Ulquiorra's eyes opened and he realized he was in a hospital room. Someone else was in the room with him and he looked around and saw something blue. Grimmjow was slumped in a chair, literally. His rear end was in the chair and the rest of his body was at Ulquiorra's feet, his arms crossed underneath his head like a pillow, his blue hair messy from sleep. _What is he doing here? Then again, why am I here?_

A nurse entered the room and she said, "Oh good, you're awake at last!"

"At last?"

"Yes, you've been out for two weeks!" Ulquiorra frowned. That was a very long time to be asleep. "How did I get here?"

"You passed out at a theatre and—!"

Ulquiorra's eyes widened and sat up and said, "That's right, the performance, I must have missed so many by now. They are not going to be happy." _I have an understudy so the play should be in good hands. Now, as for him…_he thought, looking down at Grimmjow.

"What is he doing here?"

"Oh sir, he's been here since the day you got sick! Even after visiting hours were over he would demand to stay in case you got a heart attack. We assured him people who have fevers do not get heart attacks, but he insisted to stay. He even supervised what medicine we gave you, what food we gave you, he checked the food himself to make sure it wasn't bad, he was there everyday! All the time!" she was smiling widely. "I think someone has a crush on you." she said in a sing song voice and Ulquiorra didn't respond instead he stared down at Grimmjow.

_Why? What have I done? What have I done to deserve that? Maybe she is twisting the events to suit her fantasy because I cannot imagine why Grimmjow Jaegerjaques would sit in a hospital for two whole weeks and look after me of all people._

Ulquiorra scowled. He needed answers. He kicked Grimmjow in the head and Grimmjow jolted awake, flung himself back in his chair and the chair tipped over and knocked him onto the floor. "Ow, fuck!" Grimmjow exclaimed, clutching his head. He glared up at Ulquiorra and snapped, "You could have broken my fucking skull you bitch!"

"We're in a hospital, you'll be okay."

"Screw you!"

"I have a question and I expect you to answer it to the fullest of your abilities. Did you stay in this hospital for two weeks after I got sick?" Grimmjow was silent for a moment and he said, "No. Who told you that bullshit? I wouldn't care if you got—!"

"Tell me the truth."

Grimmjow stopped rambling at the tone of Ulquiorra's voice and he could tell that this was important to him. Grimmjow frowned and looked at the floor. "I just told you I didn't. Why would I? I don't know you well enough to care_ that_ much if you got sick and,—"

"Grimmjow." And Grimmjow looked up at Ulquiorra and found those eyes staring into his and Grimmjow's resolution trembled and then broke.

"…Yeah. Yeah, I did. Got a problem with it?" Grimmjow said with no aggression in his voice, tracing the ground with a finger while his ears steadily got warmer. He chanced a glance at Ulquiorra and found that the man was staring at the opposite wall.

Ulquiorra was silent and the more the silence stretched, the more Grimmjow wondered if he should have said those words at all. And then Ulquiorra said, in a small voice, "Thank you, Grimmjow. You…you can sleep if you wish."

Grimmjow noticed an audible tremor in Ulquiorra's voice, heard him pause to figure out the right words and he felt very nervous. Ulquiorra never had to pause when he was speaking, nor was his voice supposed to tremble like that.

"Thank you, my lord." Grimmjow said sarcastically. He rested his head at Ulquiorra's feet and watched him stare at the opposite wall. He grinned to himself. He had made the stoic Ulquiorra Cifer _feel _something!

And it made his heart sing.

* * *

><p>During the days that followed, Grimmjow thought a lot about Ulquiorra's limited emotions, or so he said. He thought a lot about how private he was and about how such a small act of kindness could seemingly move him so much and then he decided something.<p>

Ulquiorra didn't get out enough.

And his opinion was furthered even more when Ulquiorra said one day, "There is no point to fun in one's life. It doesn't get your work done, it distracts you, and I just don't see a point in such an activity."

Grimmjow could remember feeling very strongly about that, he had mostly felt disbelief however that Ulquiorra could be so narrow-minded.

_So, I decided, fuck it. I'm taking him out. _

And, over the next few weeks, Grimmjow took Ulquiorra all around New York. Ever since he had moved here, Grimmjow had decided he disliked the city and didn't give a crap about exploring it. Now, with Ulquiorra, he was more enthusiastic and so getting Ulquiorra to see New York was also a bonus for him.

He took Ulquiorra through Central park. At night.

_Grimmjow knocked on Ulquiorra's door and waited. _

_Ulquiorra answered the door and he said, "Grimmjow, what are you doing here at 9:00 at night?" and Grimmjow said, "Well you don't have any shows after 9:00 do you?" and Ulquiorra shook his head. _

_Grimmjow said, "Good. Come on. I'm kidnapping you."_

"_May I get my shoes on first?" Ulquiorra asked and Grimmjow said, "Move fast. Faster. Faster!" Ulquiorra slowly put his shoes on and Grimmjow growled, "God I hope no one ever kidnaps you in real life. They'd shoot themselves because you're so slow!"_

"_That's a plus for me then." Ulquiorra said, hurrying out the door and falling into step beside him and Grimmjow grinned when he noticed the height difference. Ulquiorra was a good few inches shorter than him. The top of his head came up to Grimmjow's nose._

_Before Grimmjow could remark on this, Ulquiorra said, "Where are we going?" and Grimmjow said, "Central Park. Have you ever been there?"_

"_I've walked through once or twice to get to my dentist." Ulquiorra explained. "But I've never stopped to sight-see. I also heard people get raped in Central park at night."_

"_Ah, that's just little girls." Grimmjow said, strolling into the park and Ulquiorra frowned. "Wow, you live really close to the park." Grimmjow murmured and then he scowled and turned to look at Ulquiorra. "Are you a little girl? No! The park is safe for grown men who know a thing or two about fencing!"_

_And, frowning still, Ulquiorra followed Grimmjow into the darkness of the park which looked creepy at night._

_The park was quiet, crickets were chirping and the wind blew softly through the trees, scattering petals from above onto the ground below. Grimmjow glanced at Ulquiorra and saw him silently taking in his surroundings. "It's peaceful here. And creepy." Ulquiorra added._

_Grimmjow grunted. "Probably looks a hell of a lot better during the daytime." And Ulquiorra nodded. "It does. We should come here during the day when I'm not working."_

_Grimmjow grunted again and his gaze remained on Ulquiorra for a moment. The wind blew gently through his hair and Grimmjow could see his emerald eyes shining in the moonlight from above them. Grimmjow could see the tiredness in his eyes, but he still carried himself with complete grace. On stage and off. _

He's also still damn hot, _Grimmjow thought with a smirk._

_And then he noticed that Ulquiorra was gone. Grimmjow stopped walking and looked behind him. "Ulquiorra?" and Grimmjow began to feel a little nervous. "Ulqui—?" and then he heard a voice whisper right next to him, "Hello." _

_And Grimmjow turned around and saw someone lunged at him and Grimmjow screamed and tripped over a bench and fell onto his back. And then Grimmjow realized who it was. It was Ulquiorra! "You fucker!" Grimmjow snarled, standing up and hitting him on the arm._

_Ulquiorra sighed, amusement on his face for mere seconds and Grimmjow momentarily forgot his anger upon seeing Ulquiorra laughing so softly. "You—stop laughing it isn't that funny, damn you!"_

"_Did I scare you?" Ulquiorra asked, raising an eyebrow and Grimmjow said, "No! Something that stupid wouldn't—!" and Ulquiorra wasn't even looking at him! "Look at me!" and Grimmjow groaned when Ulquiorra ignored him and turned to glare at the thing taking Ulquiorra's attention away from him._

_It was a lake, the moonlight reflected clearly upon the glassy surface of the water. Flower petals lay scattered across the water and two swans floated across the water together, their heads resting close together. _

_They stood there in silence together and Grimmjow subconsciously shifted closer to Ulquiorra, their shoulders bumping together just slightly. Grimmjow jumped as Ulquiorra rested his head against his shoulder. He was starting to drift asleep. "I need to get back." He murmured and Grimmjow nodded, unable to explain why his heart was beating so fast or why there was a strange fluttering in his stomach. _I must be getting sick, that has to be it.

Truth be told, Grimmjow wasn't even sure he liked this feeling in his chest or the fact that it always happened when Ulquiorra was around. He would act strangely around Ulquiorra, he would find himself feeling happier and as such he acted nice, something which was completely unusual coming from Grimmjow Jaegerjaques.

And for another thing, when he was with Ulquiorra, he couldn't keep his hands to himself. But not in a dirty way—not _always_ in a dirty way. He would ruffle his hair, mostly because this annoyed Ulquiorra but also just because it seemed like the natural thing to do. He couldn't help it.

And then sometimes, during conversation, he would touch Ulquiorra's arm or his hand, sometimes just to get his attention or just because he felt like it. Ulquiorra's hands were smaller than his, which was something he found really adorable. The guy in general was small, even for a man!

"I was born small. Stop talking about it." Ulquiorra said, seating himself in the chair inside the doctor's office. It was Ulquiorra's annual check up and he had just introduced Grimmjow to his doctor when he came out to look at another patient that would go before Ulquiorra, Grimmjow had brought up the matter of Ulquiorra's height when he saw how tall Ulquiorra's doctor was compared to him.

Grimmjow snorted. "I'll bet! In fact, you probably were able to fit in a teacup!" and Ulquiorra sighed and Grimmjow saw his lips twitch. Grimmjow was surprised. He had never seen Ulquiorra smile and from what he was willing to bet, no one else had either. It didn't take a genius to figure out that Ulquiorra was not a very happy person. But he wasn't depressed either, just sort of neutral.

A man walked into the room with a little boy holding his hand. They both sat down and another man joined them.

"You really didn't have to accompany me to such a dull place. And I'm surprised you've held out this long. I'd have thought, given your energetic personality, that you would have snapped and hurt all these people."

Grimmjow grinned. "We're in a hospital. They'd be okay."

And then Ulquiorra seemed to remember that he had said the same thing not to long ago for amusement flared in his eyes briefly before Grimmjow ruffled his hair. Ulquiorra batted his hand away.

"You're fucking cute." Grimmjow said, grinning teasingly at him and Ulquiorra suddenly looked at the floor. "Aw, you shy?"

"Why do you keep touching me? I've seen you with your other friends and you never play with their hair or touch them. You don't compliment them. Why is it just me?" and Grimmjow suddenly tensed, not very sure he liked the direction this conversation was heading at all.

"…Or…or is it I'm not a friend to you?"

"Why does it matter? If you have the time to ponder over stupid things then maybe—!" Grimmjow began, his neck getting warmer and his heart suddenly beating faster. _Don't go there, Ulquiorra, just don't even go there! _

Ulquiorra was giving him a searching look and the longer he stared, the more Grimmjow could see in his eyes. He was searching for something in Grimmjow's eyes, searching desperately for something. _What is it? What are you looking for? Ulquiorra…_

And Grimmjow shifted closer, staring back into those emerald eyes. "What is it, Ulquiorra?" he whispered and Ulquiorra's gaze left his to stare at the leather couch beneath them. Their fingertips were inches apart.

And Ulquiorra whispered, "I…this…this probably isn't the place for this but…I…no." and Grimmjow growled and took Ulquiorra's chin in his hand, forcing Ulquiorra's gaze on him and he said, "Look at me and tell me now, Ulquiorra. What is it?"

"Never mind. It's a pointless question. I shouldn't have even considered such a ridiculous idea." And Grimmjow's heart beat exhilarated. _What is it?_, he thought almost desperately, _tell me. Let me hear it. Tell me, dammit!_

"Mr. Cifer!" a nurse called and both young men were jolted out of their thoughts and Grimmjow realized how close they were, almost nose to nose, staring intently at each other.

"Ulquiorra—!" Grimmjow began and Ulquiorra smacked Grimmjow's hand off his face and stood to his feet. And Ulquiorra headed off to his check up and Grimmjow simply sat there, his heart beating fast and his hands shaking. He lay back in his seat, staring up at the plane ceiling of the stupid hospital, unable to stop the churning in his stomach or the pace of his breathing.

"I hate hospitals." Grimmjow grumbled to the almost-empty room. Something bumped his leg and Grimmjow looked down and found the child staring up at him. "Tch. What do you want?" he asked and the child blinked innocent blue eyes up at him and he said, "Hello."

Grimmjow scowled and rolled his head back, glaring up at the ceiling. "Go away."

"Your hair is funny." said the little boy, holding his plush blue kitty close to his chest. "Your _face_ is funny." Grimmjow retorted, glaring down at the kid as he sat at Grimmjow's feet.

"Are you and that man in love?" and Grimmjow looked down quickly at the boy. For a moment Grimmjow was unable to speak, suddenly churning the question over in his head before he jolted himself out of his thoughts. "Don't be retarded." Grimmjow snapped.

_Love? _

The boy said, "Both my daddies look at each other that way. And your face was red! It looked funny."

_No, I'm not in love. Why the hell would he ask that? Heh. Love isn't…love hurts. I learned that the hard way. It's nothing but a stupid, overrated emotion. So...then…then why the hell was I hoping so much that Ulquiorra would ask me if…if he was someone special to me? What would my answer have been? And why was he so scared to ask me? Does he—? No! No, he doesn't, God dammit! Stop it now. This is bullshit. Its wrong and it isn't happening. I don't even know if Ulquiorra's gay—and even if he was, I wouldn't…but…why do I hang out with him so much? Why do I touch him, taunt him and all with this stupid affection in my chest? Hell, it's not even affection its—its just—I want to fuck him. There. That's all. The end. I'm not going to think anymore about it! _

"Fuck off kid. I ain't here to entertain you." and the kid gasped at his language and scurried off to his father. Grimmjow growled and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Come. We're leaving." It was Ulquiorra's velvet voice and Grimmjow stood to his feet immediately and both men exited the room.

_I don't want to be in love._

* * *

><p>It was raining as Ulquiorra walked Grimmjow home. Ulquiorra hadn't looked at him since he had left the doctor's office and, as much as it irked him to admit it, Ulquiorra's lack of attention towards Grimmjow was bothering him.<p>

Ulquiorra tucked his pale hands into his pockets, walking tall and staring ahead, his gaze never wavering from the path ahead of him. And, as always, he walked with complete grace. Rain clung to his hair and slid down his smooth skin, the gloom from the weather lit up his eyes even more, almost making them appear moist. His eyes were beautiful.

_He_ was beautiful.

Grimmjow snarled and kicked a tree. The branches shook and rain drops cascaded down upon him and he yelped. Ulquiorra stopped walking and turned around, an impatient look in his eyes.

"You didn't expect that?" and Grimmjow was too annoyed to notice the amusement in his voice. "Shaddap." And Ulquiorra continued to walk down the path of brownstone houses.

And then Grimmjow caught sight of the tree ahead of Ulquiorra and grinned playfully. Just as Ulquiorra was beneath the tree, Grimmjow shook it, sending droplets pouring down on them. Ulquiorra jumped, blinking water out of his eyes. "Stop that." He said, impatient in his tone and Grimmjow laughed. "What? Don't like getting wet?"

"I hate it—no!" and Grimmjow shook the next tree and sent huge amounts of water crashing down on them and Ulquiorra jumped away from the tree and splashed in a puddle in an act of retaliation, drenching Grimmjow's ankles. But Grimmjow was already so drenched he didn't notice.

Within seconds they were both wetter than they had been before. Ulquiorra was just passing a tree and before Grimmjow could react, Ulquiorra shook the tree firmly and Grimmjow yelled in shock as freezing water soaked him. "Okay, it's on!" Grimmjow said, grinning as he tore after Ulquiorra as the man darted away up the street.

And they both lunged for the same tree and both stopped moving when their fingertips made contact and their eyes met. They stared at each other for a moment and then Ulquiorra slowly reached out and brushed the four locks of hair away from Grimmjow's face. They fell back into place and Ulquiorra's eyes softened. "Let's get you home."

Grimmjow nodded. "…Yeah."

They stared at one another for just a moment longer and then Grimmjow grinned and said, "Beat you there!" and he tore away towards his house and Ulquiorra heard a loud thud and he instantly hurried towards Grimmjow's doorstep.

Grimmjow was lying flat on his face, his arms and legs splayed out almost comically. Ulquiorra sighed. "Idiot."

* * *

><p>Grimmjow's head ached. He groaned in pain and raised a hand to the place where it hurt and he felt something cold on his forehead. His eyes opened and he gave a start when he saw Ulquiorra sitting beside him. He sat bolt up right and jumped when something cold fell into his lap. It was an icepack.<p>

"What the fuck happened?" Grimmjow asked and Ulquiorra held up a hand to Grimmjow's face and said, "How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Two." Grimmjow answered grumpily.

Ulquiorra held up five fingers. "Five. Ulquiorra, what happened?"

"You must have slipped. You were racing me to the doorway and you slipped. I used your keys to let you inside and I was about to call an ambulance. How are you feeling?"

"I'm feeling fine." Grimmjow said and Ulquiorra said, "No nausea or dizziness? Are you seeing spots and feeling lightheaded? Do you feel like throwing up? What's my name?" and Grimmjow snapped, "I'm okay, Ulquiorra! Get off my back!"

Ulquiorra went silent and stared at the floor. "Put that icepack back on your head. It will help with some of the aching." Grimmjow frowned. Ulquiorra sighed and lifted the icepack to Grimmjow's forehead and pressed it there. "And from now on I recommend not running in the rain."

Grimmjow scowled and snatched the icepack from him. "Shut up. What are you, worried?" and Ulquiorra didn't respond. Grimmjow almost dropped the icepack. _He was. He was worried…no…it can't be…ah hell._

Grimmjow sighed and raised a hand to Ulquiorra's hair, only to stop mid way. With a growl he set his hand in his lap. Ulquiorra's shoulders relaxed and Grimmjow's eyes narrowed.

"I should leave. I have lingered here long enough. Good night." And Grimmjow grabbed Ulquiorra's wrist as he made to leave and he saw Ulquiorra tense. "Tell me. Tell me what you were going to say to me back at the hospital."

He felt the muscles in Ulquiorra's arm tense and Grimmjow felt his heart beat exhilarate. "I don't know what you're talking about." Ulquiorra said and Grimmjow had enough. He forced Ulquiorra to turn around and he said, "Then why the hell are you lying about it? Tell me, Ulquiorra!"

Ulquiorra's gaze met with his and then quickly looked away towards the floor. "…I…just wanted to know…" Ulquiorra drew in a soft breath and continued shakily, "…Do you…?"

And then Grimmjow said, "Ulquiorra, for God's sake, spit it out—!"

"I like you, Grimmjow." And Ulquiorra's voice had never sounded so vulnerable or more emotional than it did right now. And all the air left Grimmjow's lungs, his heart leapt in his chest and he momentarily forgot how to breathe.

A heavy silence fell in the room and then the sudden joy in Grimmjow's chest vanished and cold, hard, fear hit him. He shouldn't feel this happy, not when it was just Ulquiorra.

Ulquiorra Cifer had feelings for him. Strong feelings.

And he knew why he was so enthralled to learn this.

And it terrified him.

And he knew he would have to speak, but for the first time in his life, he wanted to run. His lips wouldn't move and a cold sweat was on his back.

_Why should this affect me so much? Guys have done this before, many of them. But every single time, none of their confessions made me feel like this. Why? Why is it just him? I can't take it! I shouldn't feel this happy, I never fucking learn do I? Never!_

_It's just Ulquiorra…so…if it's just Ulquiorra…then this should be easy._

"You like me?" and Ulquiorra moved closer, listening intently.

"Yes. I do."

And Grimmjow smiled. "Then you came to the wrong guy, Ulquiorra."

Surprise filled those jade eyes. "Grimmjow—,"

"What do you want me to say, Ulquiorra? That I return your feelings? That I love you too? Love is for gullible, naïve weaklings. I can't love you."

_I've said these words to so many damn people, I'm sick of it. So, with that in mind, this shouldn't hurt._

A small hand gripped his wrist and Grimmjow looked up and saw the emotions in Ulquiorra's eyes. "Grimmjow." It was only his name he spoke and even that almost broke Grimmjow's resolution.

"Leave."

"Grimmjow, please—!"

"Get the hell out of here!"

Deathly silence fell between them.

_And if it's just Ulquiorra…then…then it shouldn't hurt._

"…Of course. I was so stupid—to even think…anyone would ever feel the same towards me." Ulquiorra's shaking voice whispered. And Grimmjow looked up at him.

Pure anguish was in Ulquiorra's face; his eyes were bright with emotion. Tears were in his eyes. And suddenly, Grimmjow couldn't breath. Something was clenching in his chest and he could feel a lump forming in the back of his throat.

"Get out of my house."

And Grimmjow didn't miss the soft sob just seconds before the door closed, leaving Ulquiorra outside and alone in the pouring rain.

And Grimmjow's heart broke. Grimmjow slumped over, his face in his hands.

_Why? This wasn't supposed to hurt so much…I've said that to so many people and yet…if this hurts, then…then he isn't _just _Ulquiorra…is he?_

And then he understood everything.

He knew why this had hurt them both so much, even when it shouldn't have—because he had just denied his heart and soul what he wanted all this time, even when he denied it to himself over and over again.

Because, just as Ulquiorra Cifer had had strong feelings for him, Grimmjow Jaegerjaques had had strong feelings for Ulquiorra Cifer.

He was in love with Ulquiorra Cifer, and no matter how strongly he tried to deny it, the pain from rejecting Ulquiorra was there to prove it. Because if it wasn't love, if it was just sexual attraction or friendship, Grimmjow would never have wanted to hear Ulquiorra say those words so badly. He also never would have felt this guilty about kicking him out if it was just lust.

He slumped against his bed, his head aching.

_Then I'll have nothing to do with him anymore. Our friendship ended the moment he confessed, and our whole relationship ended the moment I kicked him out. _

But even with that thought in mind, the aching in Grimmjow's chest still wouldn't go away. The image of Ulquiorra's pained face wouldn't leave his mind.

He sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"I'm so sick of love."

* * *

><p>24 hours, 1,440 minutes and 86,400 seconds. That was the time that they had been apart. It sounded so long and yet, in reality it was only a day. And even after all that time, Grimmjow had completely failed to put Ulquiorra from his mind.<p>

If he had said that he returned Ulquiorra's feelings, what would have happened?

Would they have kissed? He knew for a fact that Ulquiorra would have stayed with him.

And with each hour, minute and second, Grimmjow wanted to take every single stupid, fucking thing he'd said back.

_I never, fricking, learn do I? I guess not._

Grimmjow snarled and stood to his feet and walked to his cabinet. He pulled out a bottle of whiskey, chugged down two glasses worth and sat back at his table. He probably looked like a pathetic mess right now. His whole body didn't want to move. He felt so tired, emotionally and physically…

_I must have…really had it hard for him if turning him down did this to me. Fuck, I'm pathetic. _

If he had been any less experienced or just plain desperate, he would have gotten up and run down to the theatre to meet Ulquiorra and talk to him. And then he frowned, his head slumping against his arm.

_That's right. I ain't ever gonna see him again. I'm going to go back to living my stupid, pathetic, weak life, and I'm never going to see him again._

And then he scowled.

_This is my fault. I shouldn't be sitting here moping over some stupid mistake I made. I knew what I was getting into. I've been in this kind of place before. Shut up._

And then he knew what to do.

There was a section of town where all the wrong types of people hung out. People on the edge of snapping. Grimmjow was going to push them over that edge.

And he stood to his feet and left the apartment.

* * *

><p>The days gave way to weeks and if Grimmjow had thought that his thoughts of Ulquiorra would stop, he was so wrong. Every single day, every single night, and every minute he was either fighting back thoughts of him or letting them wash over his brain in bittersweet waves.<p>

If he was a smarter man, maybe a little less experienced, he would have long-since gone to Ulquiorra to talk things over. But he wasn't. And he knew, he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was denying what his heart wanted and what he wanted, but even though it hurt him, even though forcing himself not to go to Ulquiorra was the hardest thing to do, he was too scared.

Yes, he was scared. He was afraid of what he was feeling; he was afraid that Ulquiorra would hate him and that Ulquiorra would get angry at him and turn him away. He was afraid that Ulquiorra was lying about his feelings. And to admit that to himself, meant he cared very much about whether or not Ulquiorra was in love with him.

_But if he was lying…then why was he so upset when I turned him down? Is it even love? Or is it just some stupid crush he has?_

Grimmjow asked himself that millions of times.

_I'm so sick of being scared. I hate it. _

He draped an arm over his eyes and let out a deep growl. The thought of going to Ulquiorra made him so excited, yet it terrified him. And then a thought popped into his head.

_I'll…I'll never find out anything just sitting here and moping._

And Grimmjow sat up, something akin to shame setting in. Shame then turned to anger.

_I'm Grimmjow Jaegerjaques. And I've been sitting here for weeks, moping and whining? Get up. Get off your ass, confront the little shit and get this off your chest! If he decides he hates you…then…then fine. But I'm never going to find out just fucking sitting here moping like a little bitch. Get up and go! NOW!_

And before his mind could decide against it, Grimmjow was stomping towards the door. And halfway there he stopped. His hand was inches from the doorknob. His confidence began to deflate and his energy began to drain away.

"No…I can't do this." He mumbled.

And then he wrenched the doorknob open, his confidence lower than before.

He even hailed a cab to make sure he couldn't back out. Once the cab driver got him to the theatre he stepped out into the rain and waited for the cast to walk out of the dressing rooms and into the rain.

Grimmjow wanted to walk away, but he didn't. He sat there and waited. One by one the cast emerged, none of them looking his way.

Ulquiorra never came.

It had been almost an hour now.

He was shivering now and he was soaked to the bone, but he still waited. And then a voice said, "Are you Grimmjow?" and Grimmjow looked up and saw a man staring at him. Grimmjow scowled. "What does it matter to you?"

"Oh. I'm from the play, my name is Robert. I play Horatio on Saturday nights. I've always seen you and Ulquiorra hanging out together afterward. It's really strange though. Ulquiorra, even though he's worked with us on this play since the beginning of last year, he's never spoken to us unless it is about a certain line or scene. And even then he only talks to the director. But he talks to you. It's really kind of incredible. He even started talking about you backstage to us. And he never talks backstage! He had to be shushed because he was talking and that never happens! You must be someone really special to him."

Though Grimmjow was surprised to hear this he still said, "You talk too much."

"Oh, sorry. I've been told so." said the man, smiling pleasantly. "But I haven't seen you here in weeks. And, Ulquiorra also hasn't been here in a long time. The Hamlet we have is really good, but he just isn't Ulquiorra and—!" and Grimmjow's eyes widened.

"What do you mean he hasn't been here in weeks?" Grimmjow asked his tone louder than it should have been.

Robert responded, "He stopped coming to the theatre three weeks ago. He no longer spoke to any of us about you and when I asked about you, he…he got upset. A strange look came into his eyes and he had to leave rehearsal because he suddenly got depressed. Finally he had to ask for a temporary leave—if you don't mind me asking sir, what—?" But Grimmjow was no longer listening.

A realization was coming over him, a realization so strong he was rendered speechless.

Ulquiorra had not been lying at all. When Grimmjow had turned him down, he had been genuinely hurt by it. It had affected him so much; he had been unable to perform. The stoic Ulquiorra Cifer had been unable to do what he loved most in life because Grimmjow's words had hurt him that much.

Ulquiorra Cifer, the cold, "unfeeling" Ulquiorra Cifer had genuine feelings for him.

He had not been lying at all.

Ulquiorra Cifer was in love with him.

He was in _love_ with him!

And Grimmjow was already tearing away up the street, unable to stop the huge smile from spreading across his face as he repeated those words in his head again and again.

* * *

><p>Grimmjow knocked hard on Ulquiorra's door and waited, his heart thudding in his chest.<p>

Grimmjow had no idea what he was going to say, he was half scared and half excited, but he did have a good idea of what he wanted to say.

And then the door opened and Grimmjow's heart leapt when he saw Ulquiorra's jade eyes widen, a look of adorable shock on his face. And then he made to close the door. Grimmjow grabbed the door and said, "Hear me out for a moment."

"Get away from my door."

"I just want to say one thing, Ulquiorra, one thing and then I'm leaving, I swear!"

"If you don't let go of my door, I will break your fingers."

Grimmjow shoved himself against the door and he said, "Hear me out, dammit! Ulquiorra, listen to me!" and then Grimmjow added, "Ulquiorra, please?" and Ulquiorra's shoving momentarily ceased, as if he were reconsidering.

And Grimmjow pushed open the door and stood in the doorway in front of him, not entirely entering the house. Ulquiorra's gaze avoided his but Grimmjow felt like some part of his troubled mind was at peace just by being near him.

"Well, say it. And then get out of my house."

There was nothing to say. Grimmjow had not planned a single word on his way here.

Instead, Grimmjow's hand seized the front of Ulquiorra's shirt and pulled Ulquiorra into a deep passionate kiss.

The kiss only lasted a few seconds, but to Grimmjow it felt like time had slowed down. All the fear he had felt just vanished to be replaced by a feeling of complete comfort, the exact comfort Ulquiorra gave him when they were together.

He wrapped an arm around Ulquiorra's waist, wanting him closer—_needing_ him closer. His other hand began to gently caress Ulquiorra's cheek and he felt Ulquiorra's body relax against him.

They fit perfectly together in each others arms. Holding him felt right, kissing him felt right and Grimmjow felt absolutely foolish that he had denied himself this kind of contentment for so long.

He felt the hands against his chest slowly fall against his hips; Ulquiorra was no longer trying to push him away. He swore he could feel Ulquiorra's heart beating against his chest, beating at the same pace as his.

Grimmjow's lips left Ulquiorra's and instead he stared into the face beneath him. He rested his forehead against Ulquiorra's, letting out a shaky breath. The stare on Ulquiorra's face was unreadable and Grimmjow felt his heart sink. He felt a lump form in his throat and he looked away.

Slowly, Ulquiorra's hand rose to his cheek, the pad of his thumb stroking Grimmjow's cheek. Ulquiorra kissed him back sweetly, his hand sliding through Grimmjow's hair. Ulquiorra's arms slowly wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer and Grimmjow put his arms around him in a tight embrace, his chest tightening as he did so.

Grimmjow pressed his face against his shoulder, his hand sliding through Ulquiorra's soft hair as he whispered softly to him, his voice shaking, "I'm so sick of fighting. I'm sick of denying what I want. I'm yours, Ulquiorra."

He felt Ulquiorra pull him closer and Grimmjow melted into his embrace. Ulquiorra gave a sigh of contentment, resting his cheek against his shoulder. He felt Grimmjow's hand slowly stroke his back and he heard Grimmjow whisper, "…I'm scared." And Ulquiorra held him tighter, trying to make his voice as strong as possible when he whispered, "Me too."

And Grimmjow gave a soft shaky laugh. "So let's be scared together."

A smile broke the mask on Ulquiorra's face and he nuzzled Grimmjow's shoulder. "Alright." And Grimmjow kissed him once more.

And they stood there together in the hallways, holding each other tight as the rain fell harder outside.

* * *

><p>"Your skin is fucking gorgeous."<p>

Grimmjow felt Ulquiorra's lips pause against his neck.

"Even in the dark, it's fucking gorgeous. It almost glows. Kinda like the moon, you know? Only I can actually touch it." Grimmjow mumbled, his hand sliding up and down Ulquiorra's side.

Silence fell, a very comfortable silence. Nothing could be heard except the soft pattering of the rain and their content breathing. Grimmjow was sure he had never felt this kind of peace before. Their hearts were beating in unison, their stomachs touching as they both breathed in sync. Grimmjow ran a hand through Ulquiorra's hair, kissing at his neck.

"You're the first to say that to me." Ulquiorra whispered.

Grimmjow looked down at Ulquiorra, his elbows propped on either side of Ulquiorra's strong shoulders. "You serious?"

Ulquiorra gave a slight nod, laying his head back against the pillows, a hand playing with the blue locks of hair that fell gently against the back of Grimmjow's neck.

"My father never approved of my pale skin. He said it was a defect."

"A pretty one." Grimmjow said, smiling playfully and Ulquiorra poked his cheek as if to say "Don't be silly."

Ulquiorra continued and Grimmjow could tell he would have a lot to say. Not that he minded. He loved listening to Ulquiorra's voice and he was even more eager to listen after all those days apart. He was pretty sure Ulquiorra felt the same way. He could just tell.

"…My mother died giving birth to me. My father was quick to blame me for that. My father didn't approve of many things about me. And about my late mother. He was a bitter person. He drunk a lot and when he was drunk, he was…he was eager to let me know that he wasn't happy."

Grimmjow frowned. "Did he hit you?" he asked, not sure if he wanted to know the answer. "Sometimes…but words can sometimes do more damage than physical violence. Wounds from a fight will heal. Verbal insults damage your ego and those wounds tend to stay for a while. It's…really quite bothersome."

Hearing that, Grimmjow wondered if he wounded Ulquiorra even more by turning him down a few weeks back. But he also knew that Ulquiorra was more hurt by his past than he was willing to admit. Grimmjow slid gently off of him and lay down in bed beside him, watching his expressions. His eyes found Grimmjow's and he continued, "The children at school didn't approve of my skin either. They all thought it was a disease of some sort and were quick to exclude me from all activities they did together. And after a day of being excluded, picked on and bullied, I would come home to my father screaming at me. You asked me once why I became an actor, I'll tell you why. My mother use to be an actor. She kept old scripts from plays she did. I loved to read, even as a child. Almost all the children in my class disliked reading so I was odd for that reason as well. I found her scripts and I found that if I dressed in different clothes and read from a script, living in that house got so much more bearable. When I dressed up as another person, I was another person. I wasn't an odd little boy, I was someone else—someone else who had an easier life, a better life."

Grimmjow felt his chest clench and Ulquiorra must have noticed a change in his expression because he said, "There's no need to look so pitiful." And Grimmjow growled, "Shut up." despite his harsh words, Grimmjow reached out a hand and brushed the two locks of hair away from Ulquiorra's face. "You're depressing."

"Sorry." Grimmjow snorted. "What the hell are you apologizing for? Anyway," he said before Ulquiorra could respond, "I can relate to that. Well, that feeling of being an outcast, not having abusive parents. In my case, there were no parents. I never had parents. Well…I probably did because I was dropped off at an orphanage by someone. 'Your mother must have knew you were trouble the instant you were born!' that's what one of the staff there said. Oh my God, I gave them so much hell!" a wide grin split across Grimmjow's face and he put an arm behind his head, gazing up at the ceiling with wide eyes. "I can imagine." Ulquiorra said, amusement in his eyes, shifting closer to Grimmjow.

"You bet! But damn, I was a cute little motherfucker. Ha!"

He heard Ulquiorra chuckle and Grimmjow grinned over at him. "What?"

"Nothing. Continue."

"I can also bet that they were ready to kick my ass out into the streets. Nobody there liked me. Not even the adults who took me in. I remember I had five different families; I lasted a few minutes at each one. The longest I ever lasted was half an hour. I still don't know what my problem was. All the kids hated me. They found my hair color stupid, no matter how many times I told them it was my natural color, they still hated it. None of them wanted to talk to me or have anything to do with me. My personality was rotten, my hair color was rotten they said again and again…God, I hated it there. I finally left when I was twelve. I got sick of waiting around. I got a job at some place and I could afford to go to collage. I didn't want to, but I knew if I wanted to be able to stand on my own, I would have no choice. And…" and then Grimmjow frowned. He knew what happened after that.

He kept talking. "I had gotten into a scrape with a bunch of idiots the second I got into collage. My hair color, again. It was like I was still back in that damn orphanage. I remember one of them got hold of a lead pipe. Before they could clobber me…hewas fighting them off. Aizen Sousuke. He offered me a hand up, asked me if I was okay and then walked me to the nurse's office. He even accompanied me to class. It was…it was the first time in my life someone showed genuine concern for me, a complete stranger to him. He didn't even care about my hair color. He made me feel like a human being, not an outcast wild man. And he made me want to try hard to stop acting like one. He didn't like my behavior; I did my best to change it. I was a complete suck up. I was completely obsessed with him. We did everything together, we always hung out, he saw me as a friend, but to me he was so much more than just a friend. I would have done anything for him. If he asked me to jump off Niagara Falls I probably would have done it, that's how much I loved him.

"He was like my savior, he was someone who saw my flaws and accepted them. And then, after we had known each other for five years, I confessed to him. And he returned my feelings. He walked me home…and…we had sex in my apartment. And when I woke up…he wasn't there. I must have called him fifty times before he _finally_ answered his cell phone and he told me...he told me that I was foolish to believe that he could ever be satisfied with someone like me, I wasn't enough for him, I was unlovable, I was flawed, so much so, that there was simply nothing to me except my looks, and that was all I would ever have going for me in life and that I was an idiot to believe that someone as low as me could ever be worthy of his love. And that's when I began to understand that he had never wanted me for me, he saw me the same as thousands of others had seen me, as an unlovable, unwanted, freak show, just there for his entertainment. Those five years that we knew each other, he was just waiting to tear me down, to use me, to see how far he could drag me along, and I never figured out why he did it. But I was traumatized…I couldn't eat or sleep, I was like a walking corpse. I couldn't even look at his name in the contacts list of my old phone. I detested my own body because I knew I had given myself to him. And the disgusting thing is, I've done the exact same thing he's done. I've gone out and found guys, gotten them to believe I'm a nice guy, I take them home, screw them and then I kick them out. I pretend they're him when I do that, just because it makes me feel better about myself, because I know how it will end and it won't be me getting hurt."

Grimmjow let out a shaky sigh, not noticing that Ulquiorra's hand had slipped into his while he was talking.

Silence fell while Grimmjow averted his gaze. And then Ulquiorra said, "I never saw any huge flaws when I was with you. I did find you annoying, rude and obnoxious and perverted but that you were also good with a sword. And then I saw a bit of a risk-taker, I saw that you were blunt with you emotions and that you were persistent and willing to do anything to get someone you liked, and I also saw that once you got him, you were willing to go to many lengths to make sure he was happy. I also saw someone who was terrified—and understandably so—to confront his feelings, but did so anyway. All for me, someone you have only known for a few months."

"I could have been doing the same to you, you know. I could leave in the morning, what's to stop me?"

"Nothing except the fact that you were scared because you knew you wanted to get into a relationship with me. That and you kissed me and said that you were sick of fighting and denying what you wanted."

Grimmjow sighed. "You trust me then?"

"I do." Ulquiorra answered. "And you need to trust me not to do the same thing he did to you. It will take time, but let me prove to you that not all people see you the way he saw you. In fact, he may be even more flawed than he gives himself credit for." Grimmjow felt himself smile. He had needed to hear that.

"At least you didn't kill your own mother." Ulquiorra murmured and Grimmjow glared at him. "That's bullshit. You didn't kill her."

"Maybe not intentionally, but she still died giving birth to me." Ulquiorra said, and Grimmjow could see pain in his eyes. Grimmjow put a hand at the nape of Ulquiorra's neck and moved closer to him.

"But he didn't have the right to blame you. She chose to have you, she wasn't forced to." Grimmjow said gruffly. "And it seems to me there are things we both have to recover from. You'll help me recover from my trauma, and I'll help you with yours. How's that sound?"

Ulquiorra frowned up at him. "How could I possibly be able to help you get over that?" Grimmjow leaned down a pressed a very soft kiss to Ulquiorra's lips, his hand combing softly through Ulquiorra's hair. "Being there will be a start." Grimmjow murmured, his lips brushing gently against Ulquiorra's as he spoke.

"Oh…" and there was something strange in Ulquiorra's voice and Grimmjow looked down.

He rested his face against Ulquiorra's neck and murmured, "There's something bothering you, Ulqui. Tell me."

"There is…and I should have told you earlier but—"

"What with you being so fucking sexy, I just dragged you up here."

"That was very forward of you." Ulquiorra murmured and Grimmjow could hear a smile in his voice.

"S'your fault." Grimmjow purred, kissing his ear.

"I'm leaving tomorrow very early in the morning. _Hamlet_ is going on tour in France, Paris." Grimmjow's head jerked right up and he said, "On tour?"

"Yes."

"Are you going to be away long?"

"A year."

"If you're gonna miss me too much I could go with you." Grimmjow suggested a slight tease in his voice.

"But damn, I couldn't imagine doing the same play for a year! I'd be sick of it in a month!" Grimmjow exclaimed.

"It is something I enjoy. But with your past in mind, would my leaving unnerve you?" Ulquiorra inquired, eyebrows furrowing slightly. Grimmjow thought about this. A frown came to his lips.

And then Grimmjow said, "If it's something you enjoy, then pursue it. Stop worrying about me, its annoying."

Ulquiorra looked up, seemingly surprised. "It wouldn't bother you?"

_You idiot, of course it bothers me! _

"Hell no."

"A year is a long time." Ulquiorra said and Grimmjow felt something heavy rest against his heart. His "I don't give a shit" façade almost faltered and he scowled.

Grimmjow looked over, surprised. "Are you _doubting_ my affections?" he asked, angered. "After all I said and did? Are you _serious_?"

Ulquiorra said, his gaze staring down at the mattress, "From the second I was brought into this world, I was told every day that people hated me and every single day I was ignored and picked on. The thought that, after all this time, someone might finally care for me is…a strange one."

Grimmjow reached over and took his hand and Ulquiorra looked up at him. Gorgeous blue eyes met beautiful emerald eyes and Grimmjow said, "Then let me prove myself."

Ulquiorra's said bitterly, "You won't even remember my name by the time I get back, Grimmjow. Is what we have already strong enough to stand the test of time?" Ulquiorra pondered aloud.

And Grimmjow felt a wide grin slide easily across his face.

His hold on Ulquiorra's hand tightened and he whispered, "Then just let me prove you wrong."

Ulquiorra looked so unsure, but even as Grimmjow said those words, his green eyes softened and the smallest smile graced his lips.

* * *

><p>Within the first month of Ulquiorra arriving in Paris, Grimmjow and Ulquiorra kept in contact everyday. Ulquiorra called him frequently and they discussed things going on in New York and France.<p>

And then, his calls grew less frequent and sometimes Grimmjow would miss them. Ulquiorra didn't worry about this and he instead looked forward to the times when they _could_ talk.

And then Ulquiorra lost all forms of contact with him halfway through the second month of his stay in Paris.

* * *

><p><em>One month later<em>

Ulquiorra was sitting in his hotel room alone, staring at the table cloth. He looked out the window, he could see the Eiffel tower lit up in the distance and he closed his eyes.

_I'm not familiar with love. I've never loved before in my life. I've never been loved before in my life. So...was I wrong? Was it simply a crush? _

It had been three months total since he had first come to stay in Paris. And half way through his second month, he had lost contact with Grimmjow via phone. Grimmjow no longer called him and he no longer answered any of Ulquiorra's calls.

All in all, it wouldn't have been unusual if Grimmjow no longer wanted to be involved with him. Ulquiorra wouldn't have been surprised. He had heard all too often that people wouldn't like him and as such, it had become a way of thinking for him.

The beeping of his digital clock jolted him out of his thoughts. It was time to head to the theatre.

_I don't think it was a crush. A crush is a fantasy. _

Ulquiorra was heading out the door, hands tucked into his pockets.

He had heard from other actors when he told them about his worries—because sometimes, worrying along became too much—and they all said that if Grimmjow no longer was contacting him, then something must be wrong.

Maybe Grimmjow really had backed out?

Maybe he was hurt?

Ulquiorra had absolutely no way of knowing.

_But I _do_ know that two people who are close keep in contact. He hasn't sent me a single a phone call in two and a half months. I wouldn't be surprised if he decided not to get involved with me. It would make perfect sense, especially if I take his past relationship into account._

Ulquiorra boarded a bus to take him down to the theatre; he took his seat and stared out the window at the darkening streets of Paris. It began to rain.

_I would understand but it wouldn't make me very happy. And then he might have decided that he was more comfortable with his original way of living. Maybe he decided that he didn't believe that I had feelings for him? I'm not a very expressive person. He probably decided that I was lying. _

_But it was no lie, I don't lie. I remember feeling very strongly when I found out he visited me in the hospital. I was so surprised to find out he cared that much about me and from then on…_

The bus stopped and Ulquiorra left the bus, his head reeling as he began his short walk to the theatre. He had not brought an umbrella and he was beginning to get wet. He hardly noticed however, too absorbed in his thoughts.

…_after I found out he cared, it was hard for me to not start caring for him in return. The defenses I'd had put up since I was little started to cave in and I let them. And then I realized, if he could move me that much and, with such a simply action, break down those barriers…it wasn't just friendship. And before I knew it, I had no control over my emotions anymore. I was smiling around him, I was laughing with him, every moment between us I treasured. _

_And finally, I had to know if he felt the same way. It was too good to be true, that I could care about someone this strongly and that the feelings were possibly mutual._

_And it was only after he turned me away that I realized just how hard I had fallen. I couldn't function properly, I couldn't sleep and finally I couldn't perform knowing I had destroyed any friendship or the possibility of love between us. _

_So when he came back, I don't think I had ever been happier in my life. But now he isn't here. He hasn't written or called me. It's been three months since we've last seen each other. I don't know how many times curiosity has almost gotten the better of me and made me want to go home and see him again. Love is bothersome._

_Assuming this is _still_ love, _Ulquiorra thought with a scowl as he got into his costume, ignoring the excited chatter of people around him, _what if it really is over between us? What if he really has moved on with his life?_

Ulquiorra paused, half way through buttoning his shirt.

"_Your unlovable." His father whispered. "I don't love you. No one could." _

_Maybe he was right?_

"Places!" called the stage manager and Ulquiorra hastily buttoned his shirt.

_Time to stop this. Put it out of your mind and focus. _

And Ulquiorra headed out towards his usual entrance and waited as the show began outside the curtains. He could hear the actors on stage and then Robert, who played Horatio, ran past him. And Ulquiorra prepared to make his entrance along with a group of others.

And he stepped out onto the brightly-lit stage. The faces of the audience were in darkness, the overhead lights making it almost impossible to see into the audience. He could feel eyes on him, many eyes, but that didn't disturb him. He focused on immersing himself in the character, as he had many times before. But he had done it so often, it was an easy task.

And then something caught his eye. He could see nothing beyond the front row seats; everything else was cast into shadows but the white clothing could have been seen a mile away, even if the owner hadn't been sitting in the front row. And Ulquiorra turned his head just ever so slightly in that direction.

Ulquiorra's eyes widened and his breath caught in his throat as a pair of glorious blue eyes found his emerald eyes.

Grimmjow Jaegerjaques was sitting in the front row, dressed in a pure white tux, eyes full of joy and a wide smile on his face. Even as Ulquiorra watched, Grimmjow slowly raised a hand and gave him a small wave.

Ulquiorra couldn't take his eyes away from him, nor could he stop the smile that slowly spread across his lips or the emotion that swelled in his chest.

Even after three whole months of separation, he was still here, like he always had been. He had traveled all the way from New York to France just so he could be with Ulquiorra. His feelings were true. Even after a three month separation, he still cared for Ulquiorra.

And Ulquiorra's feelings for Grimmjow hadn't changed a bit; they were there just as strong as before, perhaps even stronger. And just upon realizing that, he was filled with indescribable joy.

_His father didn't look at him when he whispered with a voice full of anger, "No one could ever love someone so full of despair and no parent wants someone looking like you playing with their children. You're an outcast…and when people find out you killed your mother…what would they think? They'd push you away. No one will ever care for you. No one will ever love you. You're unlovable."_

_You're wrong, _Ulquiorra thought, smiling as he stared back into the audience. _You're the one who is unlovable. _

And suddenly, Ulquiorra couldn't wait for the show to end.

* * *

><p>Grimmjow was waiting in the main hall for Ulquiorra to come meet him. He had dressed himself in a tuxedo for the occasion and he had even stolen some flowers from a vase in the main hall.<p>

He just hoped Ulquiorra wouldn't be pissed at him for not keeping in contact. But judging from the way Ulquiorra had looked at him during the play, things were okay between them.

"Grimmjow!"

Grimmjow heard someone call him and he turned and saw Ulquiorra hurrying towards him. And Grimmjow smiled so widely it hurt.

And Grimmjow ran towards him and within seconds, they were holding each other tightly.

Grimmjow buried his face in the crook of Ulquiorra's neck, his arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders. Grimmjow was smiling the widest he ever had in his life. "Hey, Ulqui." He whispered and Ulquiorra held him tighter, his face buried in Grimmjow's chest.

And then Grimmjow was kissing him and Ulquiorra didn't hesitate to kiss him back, his arms around his neck in a passionate embrace. Grimmjow could feel a smile coming to his lips and he held Ulquiorra tighter, feeling like he could just float off the ground with glee. The instant they parted Grimmjow said, "Alright, don't be pissed at me, alright? I know I lost contact with you for two whole months but I had a reason for it! The second month I had just began to plan a visit here and D-roy lost my phone because he's a jackass and then I had to save up enough money to be able to afford to get down here and my phone was still lost and—!"

Ulquiorra kissed him and Grimmjow felt his heart completely stop beating for two seconds. There was just something about the way Ulquiorra kissed him that made him feel like he was melting, his brain completely shut down and his heart never failed to skip a beat.

He felt Ulquiorra's hand cup his face and Grimmjow closed his eyes, feeling more relaxed than he had in ages. Ulquiorra moved back and pressed his forehead against Grimmjow's and whispered, "I don't need to hear it. I'm just glad you turned up at all."

Grimmjow seemed to regain his ability to speak because he said, with an almost cocky smile on his face, "Hey, I'm a man of my word."

Ulquiorra smiled, his gaze gentle as he stared into Grimmjow's excited blue eyes. "I can see that." He whispered and he saw Grimmjow's eyes widen. He tilted his head. "Hm?"

"Can I stay in your hotel room?" Grimmjow asked and Ulquiorra frowned. "I'm going to be here a year before the show closes. Are you sure you can handle living here in Paris for a year?"

Grimmjow scowled and pulled Ulquiorra against his chest. "Ulquiorra, I don't _care_ where I am!" And as he spoke, Ulquiorra felt Grimmjow's arms wrap around his shoulders. "I could stay here for five years and I wouldn't care."

"But still—!" Ulquiorra began and Grimmjow said, "I'm staying, Ulquiorra. Those last three months were miserable for me without you. And I'm willing to bet you felt the same way! I'm staying. An _earthquake _couldn't make me change my mind."

Ulquiorra's frown slowly vanished and he realized that Grimmjow was dead serious. _I'm loved. _Ulquiorra rested his face against Grimmjow's chest, his arms wrapping around his waist.

Grimmjow looked down, eyes wide. "Ulqui?"

And all Ulquiorra could do was smile.

_I'm loved._

"Thank you." and Grimmjow could hear just how much this meant to him. His face impossibly red, Grimmjow slowly held Ulquiorra close to him, his hand sliding through soft locks of ebony hair. Grimmjow felt a wide smile spread across his face.

"Anytime."

* * *

><p>This was written for Grimmjow Jaegerjaques birthday. I hope you enjoyed it. Yes, I know they were a bit (understatement)OOC but I am not perfect and this was done intentionally because come on, emotions are needed in a story...but yeah, I could do emotional without going OOC. ^^; oh well, I hope you enjoyed it and found it in your perfectionist heart to look past all that and see the possible beauty in this story...if there was any. (there wasn't, at all.)<p>

Anyway, thank you for reading. I myself am a little unsure about how this fanfic turned out as I think it could hace been better but I have no ideas as to how I could have done so. Oh well. I will leave it as it is and just hope it will be well recieved by my fellow GrimmUlqui fans!

Thanks for reading, feel free to tell me you enjoyed it! It will make me feel a litle better about myself. (not that you care lol)

Happy Birthday, Grimmjow! 8D


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